Why Setting Boundaries Isn't Selfish and How to Do It

Why Setting Boundaries Is Not Selfish (And How to Actually Do It)

Do you ever feel a sense of dread when your phone rings, knowing a request you can’t say "no" to is on the other end?

Do you find yourself over committed, exhausted, and resentful because you’ve said "yes" to everyone but yourself?

This feeling is a classic symptom of poor boundaries. We often think of boundaries as walls that push people away. 

In reality, they are a fundamental act of self-care. Boundaries are not about being selfish; they are about protecting your energy, time, and well-being so that you have more to give from a place of genuine willingness, not obligation.

If the thought of setting a boundary fills you with anxiety, you're not alone. We’ve been conditioned to be people pleaser but this comes at a cost to our mental health.

This guide will help you understand why boundaries are essential and provide practical, step-by-step advice on how to set them and, most importantly, how to stick to them.

1. The "Why": Understanding the Power of Boundaries

Before you can set a boundary, you need to understand the powerful shift it creates in your life.

• Boundaries Protect Your Energy: Your time and energy are finite resources. Every time you say "yes" out of guilt or obligation, you're taking away from your own well-being. Boundaries allow you to preserve your mental and emotional energy for things that truly matter to you.

• Boundaries Build Respect: People respect those who respect themselves. When you consistently honor your own limits, you teach others how to treat you. It communicates that your time and needs are valuable.

• Boundaries Strengthen Relationships: This might seem counter intuitive, but it’s true. Resentment is a poison to any relationship. When you don't set boundaries, that resentment builds up, eventually leading to passive aggression or an explosion. By being clear about your limits, you prevent this resentment and build relationships based on honesty and mutual respect.

2. The "What": Identifying Your Boundaries

You can’t set a boundary if you don’t know where your limits are. Take a moment to reflect on which areas of your life feel most drained.

• Time Boundaries: Do you have trouble saying "no" to extra work, social invitations, or favors? Are people constantly asking you for last-minute help?

• Physical Boundaries: Do you feel uncomfortable with certain types of physical touch or with people being too close to your personal space?

• Emotional Boundaries: Do you find yourself carrying the emotional weight of others? Does a friend’s constant complaining leave you feeling drained?

• Financial Boundaries: Do you lend money and never get it back? Do you feel pressured to spend money you don’t have to keep up with friends?

3. The "How": A Step-by-Step Guide to Setting a Boundary

Setting a boundary is an art form. It's about being firm but kind. Here’s a simple script you can adapt for different situations.

• Start with Appreciation: Begin the conversation with a positive statement to show you value the relationship. "I really appreciate you thinking of me," or "Thank you for asking."

• State Your Boundary Clearly and Simply: Be direct. Avoid long, complicated explanations or excuses, as this opens the door for debate. "I can't commit to that right now," or "I'm not available on that day."

• Explain (Briefly, if Necessary): You don't owe anyone a detailed explanation, but a short, honest reason can sometimes help. "I have to prioritize my own mental health right now," or "I have a lot on my plate, and I need to focus on my priorities."

• Offer an Alternative (If You Want to): This is optional, but it can soften the "no" and show you're still committed to the relationship. "I can’t help with that project, but I could help you find someone who can," or "I can’t do dinner on Friday, but I’d love to catch up next week."

Example Scripts:

• For a friend who wants to vent for hours:

• "I love you, and I'm always here for you, but I only have 15 minutes to talk right now before I have to get ready for bed."

• For a coworker who wants you to take on their task:

• "I appreciate you asking, but I'm completely swamped with my own deadlines. I won't be able to take that on."

• For a family member who makes a last-minute request:

• "That's so kind of you to invite me, but I have a prior commitment I need to honor." (The "prior commitment" is to yourself, and that’s a valid commitment.)

4. The Challenge: Sticking to Your Boundaries

Setting the boundary is one thing; sticking to it when faced with pushback is another. This is often the hardest part.

• Expect Pushback: Don’t be surprised if the other person is taken aback. They may have grown used to your lack of boundaries. Their reaction is their own responsibility, not yours. You are allowed to prioritize your well-being.

• Repeat Your Boundary Calmly: Don't engage in an argument. Simply and calmly repeat your boundary. "I understand you're disappointed, but I still can't make it," or "My answer is still no."

• Practice Self-Compassion: You might feel guilty, selfish, or even like a bad person. These feelings are normal, but they don’t define you. Remind yourself that you're doing something courageous for your health and for the long-term health of your relationships.

Remember, setting boundaries is a skill that takes time and practice. You won’t get it right every time, and that’s okay. 

The goal is to start small, be consistent, and build your confidence over time. 

By honoring your own limits, you’re not just taking care of yourself; you're teaching the world how to treat you, and that is a truly powerful act of self-love.